Is term break the only time I have to update this thing?

It sure has been quite a wild ride while I was away. It was quite a mix of emotions, too, having so much happen at once. But I guess all these have made me stronger and wiser, opening my pair of eyes that were previously closed. The past semester was a test of my character and resolve. Had to take so many blows, and I had to take them like a man, and not say anything, as I knew that nothing I said would have changed anything. I did snap in the end, but I guess it was all the better that I did, as people started putting in some effort of their own. Some of this effort turned out to be misguided, but I have only myself to blame, as I could have, and should have, prevented the debacle that was my presentation.

At one point, I did question myself on whether it was worth me putting in so much effort when nobody seemed to care, and nobody even bothered to feel bad that I have been doing everything, as it was a given that I would do a good job without help from anyone. I asked myself what I was working so hard for. The thought of giving up did cross my mind. I very seriously considered that option.

This struggle within myself led me to realise that I had been wasting my effort all this while. I had been fully focused on doing well in school, and helping everyone around me do the same, that I did not realise that they had started to take it easy, as they knew that they could depend on me for school. Their priorities had started changing, and there was not much I could have done to straighten the ship, when I was in choppy waters myself.

I realised that giving away fish wasn't going to do any good, both to me and to everyone, as I would only burn myself out trying to get fish for everyone. So I shall throw them into the deep end of the pool myself, to make them learn to live on their own. They can only depend on me for so long, and there's not a lot of time left. I have to right the wrongs I have made before it's too late. I need to be the strictest I have ever been. I need to attack them before they get attacked by others, so that they can defend themselves when I'm no longer there to shield them. I only hope that I don't get too carried away, and end up losing some of the best friends I've ever had. They will probably hate the me that they see in school when our last term starts, but this will be for their own good.

Another thing I realised during my struggles with myself is that my feelings for you have faded. In fact, to put it in a very straightforward way, I don't love you anymore. Not really because I have found someone else, but because I didn't seem to mean much to you. You have your priorities, I have mine, and ours aren't the same.

I had been patient. I had been kind. I had been understanding. I had been everything I could have. But it only left me feeling like I was being stepped on.

I am over you now. The fact that I didn't feel anything when you talked to me that day says it all. I am still your friend, and it will stay that way. I won't change my mind anymore, even if you change yours someday.

In case anyone's wondering, my all-action display at work has nothing to do with this. I am professional enough to not let my feelings affect my work. I always give 120% when it comes to work, and it doesn't even matter if I get paid for my efforts. As long as I won't die doing whatever I do, I will throw everything I have into making sure that I do a good job. Working hard is the only way I know how to work, and I know that I'm far too strong to be dying on the job. What's more, whatever doesn't kill me makes me even stronger.

Although being simple-minded in approaching work sometimes means that I end up being used by people who think they can control me.

My advice: you don't know who you're messing with. And you will NOT want to know. Try me, and pay the price. You will not enjoy paying it.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Damn. I was so right about this semester being possibly the toughest yet. 4 modules, 1 film, 2 news articles, 3 group projects (the film is one of them), 5 tests, ONLY 1 essay. Ok, I admit I'm rather confident about 3 of the 5 tests, the articles and the essay, maybe even too confident, but I can't help but feel afraid. This semester requires me to, in a way, lie. I mean, if something isn't real, then it's fake, right? So if I were to write something imaginary, it would be fake as well. Writing or saying something fakes is, then, the same as lying, right?

I categorise lying as an art, and I can't be any worse in art.

The pace hasn't really picked up yet, but I can already see myself slogging through the night, and it will only be partly because of my assignments. My new responsibilities will probably keep me awake through many a night. When I've already been having sleepless nights because I cannot seem to stop thinking and worrying (people and/or otherwise), I'm in for a tough one this time around. It's good for me, in a way, since I will have to learn to deal with such stress sooner or later. So might as well go through it now.

Don't my last 2 sentences feel rather familiar...

But before anyone notices it and starts thinking wildly, I did not get my heart broken. I dare not say everything's going well, as it remains as status quo, but I'll gladly have it stay this way until I'm ready to try again. I think I have fully recovered from that darkest period, as I can now talk about it and laugh. But a part of me is still afraid of being hurt again. I don't know if time will help. I don't even know if time is on my side. Everyone tells me to strike while the iron is hot, but I'm afraid it would burn my arm off. But if I end up missing the boat, the only thing that will happen is me drowning. I can't swim, remember?

Anyway, on a lighter note...

A lot of stupid things have been happening to me. Breaking vases, losing cards, driving to school because I was late, only to be caught in a traffic jam and get even more late, then paying parking fees that I count as robbery. All the talk about saving money, pretty much gone in one bloody day.

Seriously, I don't remember spending anything on myself at all, other than on food. But how come my money disappears so damn quickly? Have I been spending too much on stupid things (fines)? Have I been too selfless? This time, these questions aren't loaded, because I seriously don't have the slightest idea.

Not enjoying having my fingers turn a deep purple everyday in class, but that's about the only thing I hate about school. My hands are already cold enough on their own, and the aircon in school doesn't help. But as long as my fingers can move, it doesn't matter.

I always have a lot that I want to say. But I forget what I want to say before I actually say what I want to say. Like now. Sigh...

Oh, and I learned a new word that can be used to describe my life so far since the start of the month. ASTAGA!!!!

And oh, my results should be out pretty soon. I'm staring one bad grade in the face, but I think I should do fine for the other 2. I WANT to know how far I was able to bring my friends to. I'd be kicking myself, then asking my friends to kick me in the face, if my effort had been for nothing. I have rather high expectations of myself, both as a student and as a mentor. But instead of giving away fish, I think I shall start teaching fishing.

I hate having insomnia. I hate it even more when it's caused by migraine. People sleep when they have migraine. Mine's so bad it's keeping me awake.

Sigh...

Change the World

I know it's been a while since I actually wrote about stuff that's been going on in my world. But who the hell reads this anyway?

But, anyway, now that I have loads of time and very little to do, it's time for me to bore the soul out of anyone who actually reads this damn thing.

All those whom I have spoken to, either physically or virtually, should already know about most of the stuff I am going to say, but I'll still write them all down.

The first real thing I did during this term break was to break my voice at KBox. Attempting so many forceful songs at once wasn't a very good idea. We went to KBox last week. I still don't have my voice fully back yet. Can barely manage 8 keys, and got ZERO falsetto. I guess this is pretty ok, given that I can barely even TALK.

And the lamest consequence of losing my voice?

I. CAN'T. LAUGH.

No. Seriously. I laugh, nothing comes out from my mouth.

And I've been the worst patient possible, eating all the stuff someone with a bad throat should never even THINK of getting anywhere near to.

I was supposed to complete a song cover request from a fellow YouTuber, make a few covers of my own, and compose a few originals, but cannot do so until I get back the only instrument I still remember how to use.

On the day I almost totally couldn't speak, I got myself a new phone. It's a Nokia E72, which I call the Nokia version of the Blackberry Bold 9700. It's got a full QWERTY keypad, and an optical trackpad, just like the new BB. Only that I got mine for A LOT cheaper, although that came as a surprise as well. I never knew that my old phone was worth $200 in trade-in value!

So now I am REALLY Always Online, anytime, anywhere! Cue 'Always Online' by Lin Jun Jie!

Hmm...that wasn't funny...

Well, anyway...

I've gone back to bowling, too. Played another league matchday last Thursday (thanks, everyone, for coming all the way to Mt Faber to support me, though I did ignore all of you!), then went for a 'qualifier' of sorts for another league. After so long out, I was surprised I could actually manage a 170 average across both days. Still far from good enough, of course, for someone aiming to break the 200 barrier. But, after hearing from everyone, 170 isn't bad, too!

Now to one of the signs that I'm going back to my old, stupid self: I accidentally submitted a BLANK disc for one of my assignments.

Which brings me to my new responsibility: I am set to take over as either chief or managing editor for the next school publication. This means that I will potentially have A LOT to do once school starts in, for me, about a week.

I've started playing Fifa Online 2 again, too. Damn, my aim for an unbeaten season was crushed in my first match of the season. I got my butt kicked by Atletico Madrid! But I beat Real in El Clasico after going 2 down, which more than makes up for it.

That's about everything I physically did the past week.

Having so much free time to do so little can only mean one thing: I've had a lot of time to think over a lot of things. How I should live my life, how I feel about things and people, that kind of thing. I've realised that centering my life around another has been rather misguided, however much I love whoever my life has been revolving around. I can no longer afford to do so, due to my new responsibilities and resultant increased workload. You are still very important to me, and will continue to be a huge part of my life, but I can no longer afford to live only for you. I will need to drag the axis of my life back nearer to myself, and I will need to live more for myself. But I will still be the same me that you know, I will still stand by the promises I have made to you, and I will not forsake my responsibilities to you, the same way I will not forsake those to everyone. The only thing that changes will be that I will be becoming a little busier than usual.

Time is going to be a luxury, now that there's so much to do. This time, I shall try my best to set things right.

The greatest test

If he were not drunk, and we were not in a club, I would have decked him that very moment when I saw how awkward you were when he was doing all that. If I had totally lost it, he would still be lying somewhere right now.

I know I'm weak, especially physically. I try to stay calm and composed all the time, and think of the consequences of my actions. But when I get seriously angry, nobody can stop me, because I won't stop myself.

My rationality hadn't faced such a big test before, until yesterday. I was so close to losing it, but I don't know whether I should be glad or regret that I didn't.

I am so sorry. I did not protect you when I should have, leaving you to face so many touchy situations alone.

Sorry.

Time to Get Serious. Seriously.

I guess I've been pretty much of a slacker since the start of the semester. I don't know why myself, but I hadn't got the motivation to push like last semester. A case of Second Semester Syndrome? Have I been complacent? Have I been taking things too easy? Have I let my personal stuff affect me? Have I been put off by the tasks at hand? Have I heaped too many responsibilities on myself? Have I busied myself with too much?

Wait. I just asked myself a ton of loaded questions. I know the answers to all of them. The answer is 'Yes' to all of the above.

But I've said before. No point crying over spilt milk, no point regretting what I did, or did not do. I don't know if I'm fully awake yet, but I do know that it is time, and time is running out. It's not too late, though. It's never too late, even though I should not have allowed the first 5 questions to be asked of myself in the first place. The last 2 cannot be reversed anymore, as I cannot, will not, and do not want to forsake any of my responsibilities, whether as a student, a writer, an editor, a mentor, and a bowler. If my responsibilities bring me to the point of destruction, so be it. I have a lot of time to rest once everything is over.

First, to get the easy stuff out of the way. And since writing and arguing are possibly the only things I can do a half-decent job of, here's my aim:

Finish writing and editing my articles for TQC, and Documentary and ITM essays by the middle of next week, if not by the end of the week.

Tall order?

Not if I'm taller than the order!

Seven Up

Had been thinking a lot recently. Not that I had actually wanted to, but, as usual, I don't seem to able to forget something once it comes to mind. Strangely, though, I don't seem to be able to remember anything until I unwittingly do something to it. Like buy a pair of shoes, only to realise back at home that someone I know already has something similar. Then throw away my newly-bought sneaker balls before I even opened them. In both instances, it was happy, happy, happy, then 'shit!'.

A case of terrible short-term memory, incredible long-term memory? Answers on a postcard, please.

Oh yes, some of you have actually asked me 'what's with the postcards?'.

The answer: Nothing at all! I just found this way of posing questions interesting when I saw it in Top Gear.

Well, you can still send me postcards, but that would be a waste of money, in the age when nearly every form of communication, other than snail mail, is FREE.

Suddenly thought of composing a song. One of my reasons for doing so, I guess I don't need to spell it out here. But I've been dabbling with this sort of thing for a very long time already, so it really is nothing special.

Then I realised: The only instrument I have any idea how to use is broken.

I CAN'T SING ANYMORE.

Well, not for the time being, at least. I can't sing a complete song without breaking into a cough. It could create a comical effect, but it did not start out as anything funny in the slightest bit.

Because...I'm composing a LULLABY. Yes, the kind mothers sing to their kids to coax them to bed. Only that I'm not a mother, and I'm not trying to lull a kid to sleep.

This could well turn out to be the worst lullaby ever written!

I had also wanted to do a 'Valentine's Day Special' cover, which, if you look at my YouTube page, did not happen. Had wanted to sing Forever Love, but couldn't finish the whole song, however hard I tried with whatever means.

Slightly comforted that the stuff I've thrown onto YouTube has been somewhat well-received. IF the people that commented on them, or those who I invited (or stuffed in their face) to listen to them, were NOT lying just to please me, that is!

But I'm my own harshest critic.

Now I don't remember what else I was going to write about.

Oh, now I remember.

Happy Lunar New Year, and Happy Valentine's Day. It's about half an hour before the day in which both apply ends, so I guess I'm not too late.

This year, almost none of my relatives are in Singapore. So, yeah, it's been rather boring. But all this will change tomorrow. Can't wait already.

Come one, bloody cough! Let up! I want to, and need to, sing!

Ouch

It pains me to see you so troubled. It pains me to see you upset. It pains me to see you suffer.It pains me even more when I don't know what I can do for you. Tell me what I can do to at least help you feel better. Just don't tell me to go away, because I cannot and will not. I want to be there for you, if that's the last or only thing I do.

Part of me keeps thinking: If I had been true to my feelings from the very beginning, would things have been different now? But I have to face up to the truth that my head resisted my heart back then. By the time I faced up to my feelings, I was too late. And the truth hurts so bad.

There is no longer any point in crying over spilt milk, and regretting missed chances. I made a mistake back then. Now, I have to face the consequences. I will stand by whatever decision you make, and I will always be where you can find me. Concentrate on doing what you have to do. I will do everything I can to help you in everything that I can be of help in.

I keep telling people not to worry about me. I keep telling you not to worry about me. Now I know how it feels to hear the words 'don't worry'. When you told me not to worry about you, I was even more worried, and I just can't stop thinking of you. But I am now even more driven to help you find back your smile. I will do everything I can. If I end up having to suffer, so be it.

You are more important to me than myself. Your happiness is everything to me. As long as you can be happy again, it doesn't matter what happens to me.